I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize