Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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