All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
