I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
