I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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