if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
