god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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