I wish I could punch you in the face.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
