Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
