i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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