I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
