Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
