I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
