Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
