im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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