I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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