how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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