Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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