Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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