Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
