so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
