I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
