she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
