There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
