u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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