So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
