Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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