Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My vagina is officially offended.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
