I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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