When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
