Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I queefed so loud it echoed.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
