I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
