It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
