i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
