Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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