So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
