I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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