babies were throwing up all over the place
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
