Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
