Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
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I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
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"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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