Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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