Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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