He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
