Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
