I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
