just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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