i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
