its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
