i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The dick lei will go down in squad history
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
