Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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