She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
