the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
