So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
