Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
