i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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