my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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