if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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