btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
