Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
