Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
